This past Saturday - the 26th of September, 2009 - I was roused from sleep at 5:36 in the morning with the devastating news that my older brother, Jacob, died in a motorcycle accident. I could not believe it. I still cannot. He has always been here, whether beside me or in an entirely different area of California. I cannot seem to realize the reality of the unreality I am in. I feel as if the ground below me has fallen away, yet I stand solidly upon the earth. I know it is not some sick joke as I wish it was, but I cannot seem to grasp it. It's hit me and yet it hasn't. I guess I'm pull of paradoxes. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to do anything. I miss him. I love him. I wish he could just come home and walk through that front door. I wish I had more time with him -- the time I was depending on to be available to form a closer relationship as we both matured further. That time has been yanked from me, from us. It was always US, and them. Jake, though different from me in many ways, was always my brother and nothing could change that.
I depended on him more than either of us realized--far deeper than simply for rides and questions about something he might know.

There is nothing that can replace him. Nothing to make the countless tears I have shed almost continually for two days now become unshed.
I admired and loved him so much..